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August 20, 2013
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Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't weee be friends, why can't weeee be friends?

THE RETURN OF KEEF!

RIIIING!

RIIIIIIING!

Nick groaned as he opened the front door, in a big, green bathrobe. Blinking at the sight before him, the first coherent thought that came to his mind and to his lips were...

"Jhonen, why are you a pimp?"

Jhonen stood there, with tinted blue glasses, a big, fuzzy white coat, a cap tilted to the side, a fancy-looking tie and brown loafers and a studded belt with diamonds on the front. He grinned evilly. "I'm no starving artist anymore." He said. "This hooker dropped her keys to her apartment and you wouldn't BELIEVE the things I found in there!"

He handed Nick a whip. "Here! Consider it a souvenir. I've got 3000 bucks in my pocket and I intend to take a vacation!"

As he walked off, Nick couldn't help but feel nervous about all of this. He only hoped that this wouldn't come back to haunt Jhonen at a later time...

...

...

...

...Due to El Nino, there was not going to be a "White Christmas", sadly. This depressed Dib a little, because he had wanted to bean Zim in the head with a snowball. Several dozen of them actually. Yes, curse El Nino, which is in no way a desperate "Deus Ex Machina" on part of the author to explain why there's no snow around here! Yep. Certainly not a plot hole or nothing.

…stop looking at me like that! Look at Dib!

Yes, Dib. It was an ordinary school day on the playground for most of the children…Dib, however, had NEVER been most of the children. He was currently hiding behind a surprisingly-thick-for-a-playground tree while holding onto a notepad in one hand and scribbling down observations onto it. Finishing up one thought, he took out a tape recorder and held it to his mouth as he looked at a kid with golden eyes and an unusually hairy body.

"Subject: Woozly. Birthplace: London. I am investigating him to determine if he is a possible werewolf." Dib said into his recorder as Woozly swung around the monkey bars. "He's got even more hair than the narrator-"

SPLOOOSH!

"AAAAYYYYEEEEEE!" He shot up, flailing his arms around as a blue liquid seeped into his clothes. Dropping his stuff, he whipped around to see a beaming Zim was looking at him, holding up an empty bucket.

"Ha-HA!" Zim laughed. "Prepare for the end, filthy HUMAN! You've just been splashed with my most DIABOLICAL creation EVER!" He proclaimed.

Dib's eyes went wide and he grabbed the sides of his head, sinking to his knees and squirming around. "AAARGH! IT BURNS! I'M MEEELLLTTIIIING!"

Zim blinked. "Uh…wait…"

"What a wooooooorrr-"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT IT DOES." The Irken snapped.

Dib stopped squirming and looked up. "Oh. Oh yeah! You're right, I'm NOT melting." He said, standing up. "So what DOES it do?"

Zim got another gleefully evil look upon his face as he patted his chest proudly. "It causes anyone who gets incredibly happy to blow up!" He explaind. He then hunched over, rubbing his gloved claws and laughing. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"

Dib raised an eyebrow. "But I'm NEVER that happy." He remarked. "Especially when I'm covered in goo." He added, holding up one sopping-wet arm.

Zim's face fell. He looked from his bucket to Dib, then back at the bucket, then back at Dib. "…You may have won the war, Dib, but you have not won the..." He tapped his lip, trying to think up something. "…The… thing bigger than war! I will create more happy popping juice and sneak up on you when you're happy!" He swore.

"I won't be happy until YOU'RE destroyed!" Dib proclaimed, pointing up into the sky.

Zim turned a dark green as he became flustered. "NEVER! You will NEVER destroy me! NEVEEERRR!" With that AND an angry shout for good measure, Zim stormed off while Dib smugly waved goodbye. Dib turned around and-

"Wow, Dib you're so lucky to be friends with ZIM!"

Came face…to face…with KEEF.

"I was friends with ZIM once. Those were the best days of my life!" Keef told him.

"Friends?" Dib blinked in surprise. "Um, actually…" He tried to explain. But then he saw the starry look in Keef's eyes and stopped.

"Isn't he just the best?!" Keef asked dreamily, holding his head on his clasped hands.

The Gay-Dar-Dan sprayed his breath with breath spray, positioned himself behind Keef and Dib, and stretched out one hand as he sang. "He's GAAAAAAAAAAAYY!" After reaching that long and passionate note, he promptly walked off, making Dib groan and roll his eyes.

"Look Keef-" He mumbled.

Then a lightbulb popped over his head. "…you know what?" He turned to Keef, grinning. "Zim IS the best. And I have something that'll make him really happy." He told Keef. "Wanna help?"

Keef jumped up and down, clapping his hands. "Boy, DO I!? If I make him happy, ZIM might even let me come near him again without taking my organs out! YAY!"

Ignoring that "organ" part, Dib smiled and led Keef over to his backpack, which was near the fence by the tree, taking out a headband with flashing red lights on it and giving it to Keef.

"Here's all you have to do! Just take this Brain Rotter I developed, and put it on ZIM's head! Easy! Zim loves these." He remarked.

Keef let out a shrill squeal of joy and snatched the Brain Rotter out of Dib's hands, running towards Zim as Dib smiled. "Such a nice kid." He thought out loud. "…he's gonna have one really short life if he keeps bothering Zim though…" He mused.

Unfortunately, Keef accidentally ran into Zim and dropped the brain rotter, which clipped itself to Zim's BUTT.

"YEEEK!" Zim gasped, leaping up two feet in the air…and coming back down in Keef's arms. Keef smiled at his former "bestest buddy" who blinked at him. "Hey buddy! It sure has been awhile, huh?"

Zim plucked the device off, then glared at the smiling Keef…then he looked over Keef's shoulder and saw Dib hiding behind the tree…

Dib held one hand up to his ear, listening. Where was the sound of brains rotting?

What came instead was the sound of "WEEEEE". He looked up and Keef, who had been flung clear over the tree, crashed into him. Dib groaned and staggered onto his feet…

CHA-POINK! Zim popped up from behind, clamping the Brain Rotter on DIB'S head.

"ARGH! BRAINS...MELTING!" Dib howled, tugging at the Brain Rotter as he rolled around on the ground of the playground.

Laughing so hard he was almost crying, Zim left Dib alone as Keef beamed.

"WOW, look! He really IS happy!" Keef remarked.

Dib managed to tug the Brain Rotter off and groaned in pain. Could this day get worse?

ACTUALLY…

… "WHAT THE?!"

Dib had gone home to see his sister was watching TV in the living room…with KEEF!

"Heya, pal!" Keef said happily to Dib, waving. He then turned to Gaz and said "That's my friend Dib!"

Gaz growled at him.

"Isn't he DREAMY?" Keef asked happily.

"He's GAAAAAAAY!" Gay-Dar-Dan sang from outside on the curb.

Blinking in amazement at how Keef was somehow able to beat HIM home, Dib then recollected himself and pulled Keef aside.

"Um...Keef, look, I…I don't think us being friends is gonna work out. Go home, okay?" He asked.

Keef shrugged. "Oh, okay Dib. I gotcha!"

Smiling, Dib breathed a sigh of relief and headed up the stairs to his room. He flicked the light on and-

"YEAAAARRGGGHH!" He screamed, eyes bugging out.

Keef was sitting in a new, second bed with a bright yellow blanket and a big red pillow. Dib's posters had been turned into big smiley faces, his laptop had a "I Am Loved" sticker on it, his wallpaper had been turned blue with fluffy white clouds and a unicorn mobile was hanging over his bed. Keef put down the "Fillerbunny" comic book he was reading and smiled.

"Welcome to your room Dib! All that dark, spooky stuff was making you sad." He remarked.

Dib tore at his hair. "WHAT THE?!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?" Dib howled.

Keef frowned. " Aww... SOMEONE I know is GRUUUM-PEE!" He smiled so brightly the whole room lit up a moment later. "You get some rest so we can play with ZIM some more tomorrow!"

Dib slapped his face and took a deep breath, trying to summon all his rationality back. "Zim and I are not friends Keef! I wouldn't be friends with him if he were the last person on Earth! And he's not even a person!!!"

He then picked Keef up and opened the window.

"Get OUT…of my ROOM!" He yelled, dropping Keef out the window and tossing all of the posters, stickers and bean bag chairs and whatnot onto him. Clapping his hands and nodding, Dib got back to work on changing his room to normal…

Keef, meanwhile, had put one finger to his lip, eyes widening in shock. "ZIM and Dib aren't friends?" He thought about this for a moment…then beamed. "Then I'm going to MAKE them friends, and they'll be so happy, they'll like me even more!!" He decided, clapping his hands happily and running off.

…GIR was sitting in the yard, holding a fishing rod as he sat in a chair. The end of the line was deep inside a sewer grate, and he was waiting calmly for a…

"OOH!" He exclaimed as it began to tug. "I got a BIG one!"

He tugged on it hard, then a three-clawed greenish hand shot up from the sewer grate, while a horrid, dark voice snarled out "THEY ALL FLOAT DOWN HERE!"

GIR's eyes went wide, and he let go of the fishing pole, which was sucked down into the grate. A moment later an "OW" was heard.

Keef walked up to the house, seeing GIR and waving. "Hey, GIR!" He said happily.

GIR's eyes lit up and he let out a happily joyous squeal of "Keef" as he hugged Keef.

"I missed you too!" Keef said, hugging GIR right back. "But I need you to do something important! Can you tell Zim to invite Dib over to dinner?"

GIR clutched his head in both hands, tilting the head back and forth. "I dunnoooooo." He said. Then he let out another squeal of insanity and started running around in a circle.

"But GIR, it will make ZIM happy and you want him to be happy, right?"

GIR bounced off the lawn, squealing before he leapt through the window with a CRASH…

Then he came running out the front door and gave Keef a thumbs up. "Okey-dokey!" He said, running back inside the house.

… "Invite my filthy nemesis to sup at ZIM's base?! Into MY base for foodening?!" Zim snarled, jabbing a claw in GIR's face as his face was a dark green blush of anger.

"But he so niiiice!" GIR insisted. "You just gotta give Big-Head-Boy a chance! You just gotta open up his head and sleep in it like a squishy little bed."

I think he means "Open up your heart". Nick spoke up. And if Dib's coming over, can I come too? I'll make cookiiiies!

Zim frowned and scratched the side of his head. "WHAT?! Look, NO, GIR! Invite Dib over?! That's insane, even for YOU!" He exclaimed. GIR shrugged, walking off, and Zim rubbed his chin suspiciously. Something was up…

Keef watched the whole thing through the window and sighed. "Oh well. I'll just think up something else!"

BGM: Super-Happy-Funtime Music

The next day, Keef approached Zim's house and rang the doorbell. Zim opened the front door, in full diguise, and saw that Keef had a BUNCH of balloons in his hand that had "To Zim from Dib" on them. Frowning, Zim turned to the side and grabbed a vacuum, sucking up all the air from the balloons…

FWOOOSH!

And then blowing Keef clear across the cul-de-sac. He collided hard with Nick, who was on his bike and both of them fell into briar bushes.

A recently-awakened Dib walked into his bathroom and rubbed his eyes, reaching for the toothbrush only to see…AAA! Zim was right behind him! Screaming, he staggered back, gripping his toothbrush and hoping to GOD he could sharpen it into a shiv in the ten seconds he had left to-

SPLOOOSH!

He fell butt first into the toilet. Blinking, he realized that it was a CUTOUT of Zim. The cutout even had a word balloon stuck to it that read "I sure do like you" with hearts dotting the "I's". Dib stood up from the toilet and looked outside as Keef giggled and ran away from his house.

Zim and Dib eyed each othr as they walked in opposite directions down the hallway.

"HMPH." Dib remarked, looking away.

"HMPH." Zim muttered, looking away.

Then they both noticed it was getting harder to walk…and then…

THWA-WHUDDA!

They collided, hard, back to back. Everyone laughed at the "Siamese Twins" as Keef beamed to see the two "sticking together". Dib and Zim looked inside their backpacks…okay, technically Zim's was just a PAK…and found magnets. Lots of 'em.

"How did he stick these IN here?" Dib wondered.

"KEEEEEEF!" Zim hissed, clenching his claws.

Dib was stargazing, looking through a telescope at a beautifully, distant planet. "Aahh…it's so CALM-LOOKING." Dib remarked. "Yep, good old Arcadia, right on schedule. And over THERE…" He turned his telescope down. "That's Sirius, right on schedule. Over THERE…"

He lowered his telescope. "Nick and Kelsey at Make Out Point, right on schedule."

Then he looked down a little bit more and saw…

BGM: Theme from "Pyscho"

KEEEEEEEEEEEEEF!!! COMING CLOSER! TO HIS HOUSE!

"Oh no Keef, you're not getting anywhere near MY house!" Dib hissed, hiding behind his laptop. "Not with the security system I turned on and-"

"HEY DIB!" Keef called out from his law, holding up a megaphone to his mouth, sounding even LOUDER than normal. "I've got news for you, Dib!" He then whispered the next bit. "TOP SECRET NEWS."

Dib blinked, looking down at him. "Uh, Keef, don't your parents wonder where you are?"

Keef let the megaphone fall to the side as he shrugged. "Yeah." He admitted, shrugging. Then he raised the megaphone back up. "Anyhow, the news is about Zim!"

"I know, I know, he's a great guy…" Dib mumbled.

Keef, still trying to be "sneaky", went on. ""That's true, but the news is he's ready to talk to you. He wants to admit to being a ghost or whatever!"

Dib rolled his eyes, crossing his arms. "Oh he DOES, does he?" He inquired.

"He sure does!" Keef said happily. "He's just bursting with wanting to-tell-you-ness. Are you bursting with to wanting-to-hear-it-ness?"

"Yes. Yes, I am." Dib said flatly, face like stone.

"Great. ZIM will meet you tomorrow night al 7:00 al McMeaties!" Keef said happily.

Dib blinked. "Wait, The McMeaties on Maple street?" He asked.

"No." Keef shook his head.

"The one on Haverford?" Dib guessed.

"Uh-uh."

"The Greenbush one?"

"Nope!" Keef said, giggling. "This is fun!"

Dib's eye twitched. "No it ISN'T Keef! IT ISN'T FUN AT ALL!!! Which McMeaties?!?" He howled.

"The OTHER one on Maple." Keef remarked.

Dib blinked. "…fine." He said quietly. "Fine!"

Dib then pressed a few buttons on his laptop and a HUGE, mechanical ice-cream-scoop appeared, popping out of the rooftop, pistons firing. It tossed Keef clear through the air.

"See ya buddy!" Keef cried out as he soared through the air…and whacked N-N-Nick-Na-Nick-Nick-Nick, Nickelodeon clear in the face as he was biking back to his house, finished with the date he had with Kelsey.

"No…no…NOOOOO!" Nick cried as he began to lose control of the bike and Keef swung around to cling to his back…

CRA-CRASSSSH!

He collided with a tree as Keef hopped off the bike and headed into his house. Nick groaned, peeling himself off the tree. "I've gotta stop biking during Dib and Zim's shenanigans!" He muttered, dusting himself off. "It's time to take drastic measures!"

Dib groaned as he lay on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. "How am I going to get RID of Keef?!" He wondered.

DING-DONG!

Dib went to the door and opened it up, seeing Nick was there, hands glowing orange as he gestured, and Zim floated into the room. He deposited Zim on the couch, shut the door, then turned to both Dib and Zim.

"We need…to talk…" The Narrator said quietly, dangerously. "About KEEF."

THE NEXT DAY…

Dib entered the McMeaties and looked around, trying to ignore the immense smell of double-bacon cheeseburgers and saw Zim was sitting in a nearby booth, looking very annoyed and unhappy, twiddling his "thumbs:. Dib walked up to him as GIR, sitting upon Zim's shoulder, was eating a big cinnamon swirl and dripping crumbs all over Zim. Sighing, Dib sat down across from Zim .

The two of them nervously looked around, keenly aware they were being watched as GIR chewed loudly and proudly.

"So…uh…here we are." Zim said quietly.

"Yep. Keef says you wanted to tell me something." Dib said nervously.

"Yes, yes. I sure do." Zim told Dib, nodding his head.

"Isn't Keef just great?" Dib said robotically.

Zim quickly looked over a script, then stuffed it back into his outfit. "Boy oh boy, yes...So, I'm an alien." He admitted.

"Hmm…I…thought…so." Dib said, adjusting his second pair of glasses before he stuffed his own script into his pocket. "Well thanks for letting me know. Now we can be…" He gulped. "Friends forever…"

The two squirmed nervously, then reached out and shook hands.

BOING! Keef jumped out from behind Zim's side, beaming and jumping all around as he cheered. "I DID IT! You guys are friends now! YAY!"

"That's right…" Dib muttered hatefully as he tried to crush Zim's hand in his own.

"We sure ARE…" Zim hissed as he tried to crush DIB'S hand.

"I knew it!" Keef said, bounding left and right as he cheered. "Now we can ALL be the best friends, and hang out all the time, and we can rent an apartment in the city, and get a car with three steering wheels and buy footy pajamas and-"

Dib's eyes went wide. "Oh NO! He's reached the footy pajamas stage! Zim! NOW!"

Zim quickly pulled out another bucket of happiness goo and splashed it all over Keef. "HA-HAAAAA!" He cried.

…it did nothing. Keef kept spinning around and talking happily. "…and we'll spin around and get sick, because that's just so fun, and we'll get jobs fixing copier machines, and oh, it'll be-"

Dib tried to fake a smile for Keef's sake, but turned his head slowly, creaking like wood, towards Zim. "Nothing…seems to be happening…"

"He must…not be HAPPY enough…" Zim said, his own head creaking as he spoke through a gritted-teeth grin. "We're gonna have to make him happier. "

Dib gasped. "You…you don't mean?!" He said with dread filling his tone.

"Yes…" Zim mumbled, hanging his head in shame.

Zim and Dib walked out of the booth and faced each other, then began to play a PATHETICALLY weak version of "Paddy Cake".

"Paddy Cake, Paddy Cake, Baker's…"

"A cake as fast as you can…"

"OH WOW! LOOKIT THAT" Keef exclaimed, clutching his cheeks as he beamed happily. "You're even better friends than I thought! WOW!!!" He hugged himself.

"He's…s-still not p-p-popping!" Dib said, his voice straining to keep control.

"We're g-g-gonna hafta do m-more…" Zim muttered.

The two locked arms and did an awkward jig. Left, right, left right…BOTH of them had eyes that were BURNING with the fires of hate.

By now lots of people had gathred to watch the spectacle and Keef was running up the wall, across the ceiling and back down the wall, then across the floor, then back UP the wall…

"YAAY! SO HAPPY!! SO HAPPEEE!!!"

Dib grinned. "I THINK he's almost there." He whispered. Then he spoke extra-loudly. "ZIM, you are the best friend a guy could have. What with your smart...arms and nice sense of... evil!"

Zim faked the biggest smile he could muster. "Thank you, good friend Dib. You too are a pile of friendship and a wonderful display of human boy...niceness."

Keef was now grinning so broadly his smile was coming off of his face, and he was shaking madly…ALMOST there.

"FINISH HIM!"

In slow motion, Dib and Zim moved forward towards each other, arms outstretched as Keef shook and shook and shook and…

TA-DAAAAAA! They finally hugged.

POOOOOF!

The insanely happy Keef blew up like a balloon, then popped right in front of everyone into little confetti. Everyone gasped…

And then the Confetti-Keef reformed into normal, human Keef, who staggered around, eyes all swirly.

""It's okay everybody. I'm alright!" He said.

BOOMF! He hit the ground, passing out. Realizing that it was done and THEY were still hugging, Dib and Zim quickly seperated, dusting themselves off.

"That was totally…totally…" Dib couldn't even finish. Luckily, Gay-Dar-Dan did!

"GAAAAAAAAAY!"

"Yes, yes, thank you, Gay-Dar-Dan…" Dib mumbled as the tuxedo-wearing boy walked back to the bathroom.

"Well, the Keef-beast will be out for a few weeks and won't remember anything, so I guess that's that!" Zim said as he picked GIR out of the booth. He and Dib and GIR headed out of the restaurant, letting out a sigh of relief that it was all over. "I still wish I coulda just blown him up and killed him." Zim snapped. "It would have been easier."

"It would have been REALLY low. Even for YOU!" Dib remarked. "Mr. Grey's idea was good…all you had to do was change the goo formula a little. Now all our problems are solved and our lives can go back to normal. Well…at least…MINE!" Dib grinned evilly. "Because YOU admitted to being an alien! I hope you don't mind if I'M the one who does your autopsy video!"

"That was just part of the act, remember?" Zim laughed. "I should win a…what's the term?"

Oscar.

"Yes, an Oscar! Or maybe an Emmy…or an Annie!"

Dib pulled off a button that was on his jacket and smirked proudly. "But I VIDEOTAPED it with this hidden camera."

Zim gasped. "AAA! You FIEND! That-wait…does it also have the HUG on there?"

Dib looked down at the small button-camera and gasped. "AAA!"

He ran off-screen, then came back with an uzi and emptied an entire clip into it.

BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA!

"You…can't hurt…anyone…ANYMORE…" Dib gasped out.

Zim then kicked Dib in the buttocks, snickering as he raced off. Waving his fist in the air., Dib howled and ran after him as GIR calmly skipped along the sidewalk, singing the Doom song.

"Doom doom doom doo doom doom! Doom-doom-doom…"

Once again, I bring you another one of my personal favorite episodes of the show given my own little twist, so that you may laugh and enjoy a good tale. And yes, it's based on the never-produced "Return of Keef".

And YES, I did deliberately invoke a lot of Nickelodeon-esque humor around the character of Nick. That was deliberate. It was kind of a commentary on how he's not just me, but the spirit of the Network itself, trying to work the show towards what it thought was best. Whether or not it actually works is up to you, really. As it should be. I just hope you enjoy reading this. :)

And there needed to be a Gay-Dar Dan. I just found the idea of a tuxedo-wearing kid popping up to sing "He's gaaaay" everytime Keef or someone else who's so obviously got a "heterosexual life partner" they're vigorously pursuing showed up to be hilarious. Not that I'm against gay people. I just found the idea of like a eight year old in a tuxedo hilarious.
:iconno1fan15:
No1fan15 Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
XD i like this version. :)
Reply
:iconsaintheartwing:
SaintHeartwing Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013  Student General Artist
Hey, if it makes someone happy, then I'm glad. It's why I do what I do.
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